Lotta people been axing alotta questions.
“Where y’all been?”
“Where y’all go?”
“Where the Bega Boys is?”
“What had happened to the bad boys of Bega-ville?”
“Y’all run out of things to talk about?”
“Y’all mad at each other?”
“Y’all got y’alls panties all wadded up inside your buttholes’ crack??
“Y’all dead or some shit?”
“Y’all been ‘napped by ISIS and your heads rollin’ ’round the desert like so many tumbleweeds?”
“Y’all fall off?”
Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit. Only thing we fell off was ya mama this morning after we finished deep-dickin’ her down through the peeholes in our boxers and then cumming in her wig. So why don’t you chill on the inquisition, fuccboi? Why don’t you have a seat on your new daddies’ knees and we’ll explain. Here’s what we’ve been up to the last few months (not in chronological order):
1. Singapore. Damn son. Southeast Asia was bomb. Got our table tennis on. Ain’t nothing like ping-pong night in the ‘pore fam.
2. The homie Jay 5-trillion had a baby so we went and played with that lil muhfucker for like 6 hours. Little fat ass cheeks suckin’ on a ba-ba. Hit dabs with Trillville and the baby and then bounced.
3. I watched American Sniper like 12 times.
4. Bought a Dairy Queen. Everybody knows that dairy is our favorite of the food groups. Milks, cheeses, and creams, baby. Honestly, dairy is like my calling in life. And who serves up the dairy better then DQ? Ain’t nobody. So finally owning my own Dairy Queen franchise is like my way to give back the community – to finally BE somebody. And I tell you this because I trust you, but a couple months back I was in a really dark place. I’m not proud of the person I was back then. I was munchin’ butts in an alley to raise funds to buy some ricotta. Now I’m back on my feet, slinging out Blizzards like I’m Halle Berry from the X-Mens.
5. Went to Alaska to see the aurora borealis. Shit was mad gay. Too many colors and a polar bear tried to suck my dick.
6. Felt some fly ass titties. Damn son. This chick Martha that works with my moms. Dope as fuck. Had both my hands on them shits and was like “Um hello, Mr. Areolas, welcome back to the Ritz-Carlton” and shit. Love titties, dogg. Love em.
7. Played “Duck, Duck, Goose!” with two ducks and a goose. Shit was mad literal.
8. SPACE MOUNTAIN, BIIIIIIIIIIITCH! Hell yeah.
9. Dog-sat for my neighbor, Sharon. She went out of town for work a couple months ago and needed someone to watch the dog and I was like “Hey Sharon, I’d be happy to watch Nutters for a couple of days,” and she was like “Are you kidding?! That would be great! Here’s his food, his bowl, his picture of Teddy Roosevelt, his toys, and a couple dookie bags for when he goes deuce all over the place,” and I was like “hell yeah, one step closer to eating this bitch out and maybe touchin’ on them titties…Damn son…love me some titties.” It’s been six months now since she’s been gone. Sharon, if you’re reading this, we hope your okay. Me and Nutters are fine. Also, if your not dead or anything I would like to put in a formal request to munch on them buffalo gums.
10. Protested the Ferguson verdict. Shit was fucked up. Now I’m out here doing the vigilante justice thing. If your walking around Fergie at night and you see a super swift shadow swoop by, I’m on the rooftop givin’ wedgies to any one in a government vehicle- hollatchaboi.
11. Made about a gazillion pee-pees.
12. Cut a guy’s throat and made it look like a suicide.
13. Homemade cole slaw had my stomach fucked up for like a week.
14. Went to Joshua Tree with Tom Sizemore. Did ayahuasca and vom’ed my dicks off. Then we watched Thin Red Line on my Kindle.
15. Packed my urethra Franklin with so much glitter, so that when I would cum it would look all crazy and be like a little celebration.
16. Saw Book of Mormon. Twice. Hated it. Not as good as American Sniper. God, I wanna fuck Brad Cooper bad. I mean I get headaches thinkin’ about it. Bradley “BC Powder” Coops got my head thumpin’. Ba-Ba-Ba-Bump.
17. Rizzoli and Isles marathon.
18. Went sailing with my buddy Tommy Scandinavia. He called me his “first mate.” It was fun. One n
ight we drank some rum and woke up with our ass cheeks glued shut with marshmallow fluff.
19. Rizzoli and Isles marathon, part deaux. (It’s really good)
20. Got REALLY in to Chevy Truck Month.
21. Gave my step-mom the silent treatment until she admitted that she didn’t know what edamame was.
22. Surprised Grady and his wife on their honeymoon. Ate mad swordfish and fucked Grady’s wife, Jillian, on the beach under a waxing moon while he was passed out because he has 12 years sober and I slipped some rum into his virgin Mai-Tai because he’s a pussy.
23. Watched The Danish Girl Ultimate Edition on Amazon Prime. Not as good as American Sniper. God, Brad. I’m wanna tear you in half.
24. Got Pokemon Go and wandered into the ocean looking for water ‘mons. Woke up on a beach and smoked some weed with some pretty stinky Rastafarians then Uber’d back to the mainland with a guy named Chip who was deaf, but friendly. His wife died 6 years before and he was just making it work. We still e-mail. Didn’t catch ’em all, but I did catch a new friend.
Lou Bega Called 